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I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about roach eggs in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258the time.
But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their
special e-mail forward program.
And if that doesn't work I stand to inherit from a Nigerian
prince/stock investor who is going to deposit $400,000,000,000.00 in my back
account.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer pray to god at my bedside because I can pray via email!
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I can't enjoy a good Latte from Starbucks anymore because they WOULD
NOT send any coffee to that poor Army Sgt who requested it.
I no longer have thoughts of suiside by jumping off a building as
someone might take a picture of my remains scattered on the pavement
and email it to thousands of people. (Guys, that one was reallygross!!!!!!!)
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping
gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.\
I no longer wonder what it would be like to go to a ghetto prom.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face..disfiguring me
for life.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
merican troops or the Salvation Army.
I also cant shop at Target or Walmart because there is a Mexican Gang
that kills women in the parking lots.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer worry about sudden cardiac arrest, since I can now cough
myself back to life instead of wasting time calling 911.
I no longer have any friends because they don't forward me the forward
that I sent to them!
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive
my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I
can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Before forwarding this email add a few of your own, I did!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician, who is a
lawyer.
Have a wonderful day, and you are welcome
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